I dont know if it is a bad omen to post an emotional post at the start of the new year, but I think I'll burst if I dont voice it out, and I can't tell mum either, she'll be like, "想这样多做什么？！ 去读书啦！“ so yea..
I know I shouldn't think so much into it, like being in co for 5years, I should have gotten used to criticisms and let them go. If you are having this thought of, "CO again?!" then, dont bother to read the rest.
But just today, really, everything, every bad perf, every bad note I played, every criticisim I got, every scolding I recieved just sink nicely into my brain. And being a SL, i've gotten more. SO much more. And it sucks, really. I know all of these shit stuffs I get are to improve myself, but its hard not feel upset by them, especially a very experienced and good player treats it as a joke and laugh at you. I can endure and forget about everything if its just once, or twice. But every single practice is really too much, no matter how close or how unaffected I show. And as a joke? I know my mistakes and bad habits are really bad, but is 'disgusting'the right word to discribe them? I have tried my really best to kick the habit off when playing, but shouldnt you give me just a bit of respect that a human should recieve?
Maybe I'm just not suited to be in CO. I really wanted to just learn more in ACCO, and enjoy the best and friendliest atmosphere I can every find in ACJC, but maybe I'm too big headed of my ability. And I was too thick-skinned for my own good.
After today, I have made a firm decision never to join a CO ever again, I dont wanna be a burden to any excellent chinese orchestra.
But, I will do my best, and help ACCO tanbo in any way I can until after enCOre.
And thank you, Shen lao shi, for encouraging me today, seeing my discouraged face, that tanbo have improved.
And I dont hate you, i'm not even angry with you, I'm angry with how think skinned I am and how useless I have proved myself to be the SL of ACCO tanbo. Thank you for all that you have done to help me improve.
I will continue to put on a bubbly cheerful front and enjoy ACCO in every way I can for the coming 6months, but yea, I wont forget this feeling I have, this suckish feeling I have today.
I really love ACCO, alot, I'm just very upset with myself.